Zoomer Lesbians, We Have a Culture Problem

A friend recently told me that she thinks another woman might be “fruity” because she always sees her with iced coffee. I knew what she meant, but I kind of wish I didn’t.

Zoomer lesbians of the world, I ask you: do we even know our own stereotypes?

If you’re lucky enough not to know what I’m talking about, here’s a few Gen Z lesbian and sapphic stereotypes:

• Drinking iced coffee.
• Walking around with a limp wrist.
• Bad at driving.
• Bad at math.
• Cuffs their jeans.

When I wrote this list, the problem suddenly became clear. These are stereotypes about gay men being confused for stereotypes about the entire LGBTQ community. Think about it – guys are made fun of for doing everything listed above because they’re considered to be effeminate or gay.

I get how this happened, considering gay men are often at the forefront of LGBTQ visibility, but when you apply it to gay women, it doesn’t make any sense. The word “fruity” especially bothers me. I had to go and check the dictionary because I’ve been hearing it everywhere lately, but I swore that was a rude way of calling a man gay only 10 years ago.

Stereotypes aren’t useful for much. But signaling that you’re gay is. There are plenty of times in life where you want other gay people who are “in the know” to be able to tell that you’re one of them, but don’t want to be obvious to heterosexuals. 

I get why this common language of stereotypes is important. I’ve witnessed it firsthand plenty of times; for example, when my 17-year-old sister-in-law raises her eyebrows and holds up a limp hand so that she can ask my wife and I if someone is gay without alerting her parents.

My concern is that the stereotypes that we’re working off of in Gen Z aren’t going to translate to anyone who isn’t us (or, frankly, to other zoomers who aren’t fully enmeshed in American Gen Z internet culture). And to be completely honest, as someone who’s more of a millennial-zoomer cusp, I just find it annoying when I name-drop a lesbian artist who made music before TikTok became a thing and a lesbian only 5 years younger than me has no idea who I’m talking about. I can’t imagine how much of a culture gap there must be for Gen X and up. Our gaydar is literally getting worse.

So, what do we do about it? How do we get a common language amongst the lesbians so we can recognize each other better?

Let’s start by looking at the other side of the coin. What are the stereotypes the “older” (than 25) lesbians are thinking of?

• Loves sports – basketball, softball, soccer, and more.
• Hairy legs and pits.
• Outdoorsy and practical; always has a pocket knife on her carabiner.
• Friend group looks like “The Chart.”
• Handy and gets shit done.

When I look at these “older” lesbian stereotypes, I see a lot more self-confidence. They paint an image of your average lesbian as capable of anything (except going no-contact with her ex).

I’ll be honest: I like this list better. I started writing this piece wondering if there was a way we could mesh the Zoomer list with the established list. But I can’t bring myself to write it that way.

We’re confident and capable women, dammit! We aren’t just gay men with short nails, we are our own group! I wasn’t made fun of for being effeminate – quite the opposite – so why would I claim that as a unique signifier now?

I don’t get it.

So many of us grow up being singled out for not being a girl “correctly.” I was a strange girl myself. But once I grew up, I found that there were other women like me. Even if we didn’t all have the same experiences, we all experienced being told, explicitly or otherwise, that we were wrong. We were too loud, or too hairy, or too mean to the boys. We loved other girls.

The lesbians I know push the envelope just by being themselves. That’s one of the things I love so much about us. I don’t think we need to co-opt gay men’s culture when we already have our own– a culture of being ourselves despite overwhelming pressure to conform.