We’re back to recap episodes 2 – 4 of The Ultimatum: Queer Love! If you missed part one, you can find it here. I’d like to say a personal thank-you to our editor, my fiancée, and my coworkers, all of whom have suffered due to my insistence on getting this published before the next episodes come out.
Episode 2: The Choice
We start with Lexi and Vanessa on a date, with Vanessa talking about how she normally likes small boobs. There’s a love triangle between Vanessa, Lexi, and Lexi’s original partner, Rae. Vanessa says she feels like she’s lost the spark with her own original partner, Xander. Vanessa asks Lexi if she wants to sit on her face. I get very distracted by the layering in the back of Vanessa’s hair.
Is anyone else seeing this? Why is it like a wig on top of her hair? And why does Lexi think Vanessa could or would kill her in her sleep?
This leaves Lexi trying to decide between Vanessa and Mal. Mal seems to be more of a steady, comfortable and cozy kind of vibe, while Vanessa is more flirty and unpredictable. Mal asks if Lexi has ever dated a Black person before and Lexi is pretty candid about the learning curve of being a white person dating someone who isn’t white.
Mal and Lexi have a pretty good conversation and I’m starting to root for them to end up together.
We see Aussie and Mildred on a date and Aussie affirms that they would like to get married in the future, it just has to be under the right conditions.
Vanessa is still having the time of her life dating both Rae and Lexi. I’m going to go ahead and call it. Vanessa will be single at the end of this show because she absolutely loves being single. I’ll be very surprised if it turns out any other way.
We’ve now got 2 days until the contestants choose who they want to live with for their trial marriage. Yoly and Xander have a date that makes me wonder if all the people who gave the ultimatums should just date each other. They talk again about carrying children and Xander asks if Yoly would expect their kids to be theirs collectively, regardless of who birthed the children. Yoly basically says, yes…? Why wouldn’t they be…? To which Xander responds by explaining that Vanessa’s view was that they would each have their own children. If you look closely, you can actually see Yoly’s dislike for Vanessa growing in real time!
Then they move on to talking about sex. Xander says they’re a very sexual person. Then Yoly says to lay her down, shut her up, and… smacks her hand on the table emphatically. These two really want to bang. After this conversation, my fiancée and I were so shocked that we had to pause the show and leave to go have two-hour-long lesbian sex. Thanks for that one, Yoly!
So anyway, we came back to Vanessa again, this time on a date with Lexi. Vanessa shows off her ability to look like she’s about to breakdance, but unfortunately that doesn’t save her from the shit that’s about to hit the fan.
Vanessa directly states that she’s realized she doesn’t want to get closer to anyone, and she doesn’t want stability, and she certainly doesn’t think she’ll get married at the end of this, which shocks Lexi. And then comes the moment that I think cements her as the “villain” of this season. Lexi asks, “Do you feel like there was an actual chance that Xander could find someone else?” and Vanessa replies… “Uh, no. I’m beautiful.”
She explains that Xander has been saying they may be asexual and only could have feelings for Vanessa. This is a direct quote – “SHE WOULD BE ASEXUAL IF NOT FOR ME.” I then realize there’s a reason that the editors put Xander’s steamy date with Yoly right before this scene.
Me too, Lexi. Me too.
Understandably, Lexi asks Vanessa what exactly she thought she would get out of this process if she had no desire to get married and assumed Xander had no chance of meeting someone new. This throws a wrench in my earlier theory that Vanessa was hoping for Xander to meet someone new. So now, my best guess is that Vanessa came here to… meet someone better than Xander to leave her for?
Lexi is clearly angry and taken aback, and ends things with Vanessa. Now, instead of a love triangle with Vanessa and Rae, she’s wary that Rae will end up with Vanessa, who she calls “a fake person” in a “lie world.”
There’s one night left until the contestants choose their trial marriage spouses. They discuss whether Beyoncé or Rihanna would be better in bed, a question I had never thought to ponder before. We get to see some cute nervousness from Aussie.
Rae and her ex Lexi step away for a sidebar where Rae opens up about her attraction to Vanessa, and Lexi expresses her concerns that Vanessa specifically will implode their relationship. Lexi becomes the second ultimatum issuer to have on-screen regrets.
Back at the party, we talk more about topping and bottoming.
Mal talks with her ex, Yoly, one-on-one and transparently explains that she has some feelings for Lexi. She also talks about seeing Xander with Yoly and says that, although Xander exemplifies Mal’s insecurities, Yoly has Mal’s blessing to explore anything she wants to. My crush on Mal gets bigger.
Mildred and Tiff also have a talk. Apparently tonight is the night for all the couples to regroup with their exes. Mildred explains that she feels very disconnected from Tiff, and starts to cry. Mildred is scared of how well she’s connecting with everyone else rather than Tiff. Tiff kisses her, seemingly to end the conversation, and we cut to Mildred in a sidebar explaining that this happens all the time. They have sex and ignore their problems. And honestly, kudos to Mildred for calling that like it is.
We see Vanessa explaining to Aussie that no one knows she’s an Instagram influencer and that she gets paid to do content. I’m kind of over it. Evidently Yoly and Lexi feel the same way, and they talk about their shared distrust of Vanessa.
We continue to have the issue of Vanessa having so, so much screen time. At this point I’m hoping for more story on the other contestants. Did Netflix intentionally cast her as a villain? Because they sure seem to be relying on her to drive the plot. She then talks to Xander and gags when Xander says that she’s connecting most with Yoly. Vanessa becomes upset and leaves the conversation. She walks off to cry and tells us, the audience, that she’s realized tonight that she’s not the one for Xander. Bam.
At this point my fiancée and I are wondering what happens if Vanessa just leaves the show. What do they do with the uneven number of contestants?
We won’t have to wait long to find out, as the final 15 minutes of the episode are devoted to the all-important Choice.
Netflix will have you wait through a lot of dramatic music and staring for this information, but I’ll just give you the highlights:
- Tiff says they learned what a power bottom is and tells the whole table that Mildred is one.
- Vanessa interrupts Xander to ask about an ex. Everyone looks done with her.
- Xander chooses Yoly, who chooses her back. Easy peasy.
- Rae unofficially chooses Vanessa. Vanessa strings her along for a bit by talking first about how high Mal is on her list. Mal turns her down, so Vanessa starts talking about Lexi.
- Lexi says her piece about Vanessa pretty much thinking she’s hot shit and that there’s no way Xander might find someone else. Xander responds with something to the effect of, “Wait, you guys don’t know Vanessa like I do. Stop picking on her.”
- Rae makes a good point that it’s a bit hypocritical for the people who gave the ultimatum and are now falling for someone else, to expect their original partners to display absolute certainty either. I hope we get to hear more from Rae.
- In a confessional, Lexi outright says that she thinks Vanessa is only here to get famous. She might be rude, but I’m not sure she’s wrong.
And then we end on a dramatic stinger as Rae says “I choose…” even though we all just heard her choose Vanessa like 5 minutes ago!
Episode 3: Newlyweds
Snap back to reality and Rae officially chooses Vanessa. Apparently it didn’t count earlier because she was standing when she said it. Vanessa chooses Rae back, unsurprisingly because it doesn’t seem like anyone else is willing to put up with her right now.
Mal chooses Lexi with no hesitation, and Lexi chooses Mal back. They’re both very confident and certain about each other being the only ones they want to do the trial marriage with. We get a Love Is Blind-esque moment where they talk about how they know each other better than most people in their lives after only knowing each other for a week. But I’m hopeful for their relationship, despite the lightning-fast timeline. Also, why does everyone say “human” instead of person on this show? Is this a regional thing?
This leaves us with two couples left – so if you’re thinking ahead, you know approximately how things are about to shake out. There’s only Sam and Aussie, and Tiff and Mildred left. So they’ll be dating each other. But let’s see if we stay butch-femme or if we switch it up.
We don’t. Aussie chooses Mildred, who chooses her back. This leaves Sam to choose Tiff, who, being last picked for gay dodgeball, chooses Sam back. I feel like Sam and Aussie are getting the shortest end of the stick in this show. Both their new trial marriage partners seem like kind of a mess, and it feels like Netflix is giving them the minimum possible screen time. Maybe they just aren’t generating massive drama the way everyone else seems to be.
Tiff starts crying, then Mildred starts crying, and they both walk away for a breather. I start to wonder if they’re going to leave the show and REALLY leave Sam and Aussie high and dry. For now, though, they remain on the show.
Time to update my chart with the new couples!
Yes to kids
Yes to kids
No to kids
Yes to kids
Yes to kids
The first thing I notice is that Rae and Vanessa are the only couple who don’t have an ultimatum issuer, and Yoly and Xander are the only ones who were both the issuer. So we can theorize that Rae and Vanessa may likely leave single, and Yoly and Xander may leave together. We’ll check back in later and see if that prediction comes true.
Now we get to see the new couples move in together. Mal and Lexi still seem to be going strong. Aussie and Mildred seem alright. Sam and Tiff sit awkwardly on opposite sides of the couch and talk about their exes, and then Sam nods and reassures Tiff while they talk about their feelings, and Tiff mentions that first thing they want to do tomorrow is go get their dog.
Somehow this immediately turns into a disagreement because Tiff says the dog needs to sleep in bed with the both of them and Sam says she’s hesitant but willing to figure it out. This makes Tiff nervous. If you’ve already watched this episode, you’re probably already groaning knowing where this goes.
Yoly and Xander settle into bed easily enough and they discuss how Xander sleeps nude and Yoly sleeps in tight clothes. Vanessa tries to get Rae to lay on top of her and then Rae follows her out of the room looking kind of uncomfortable.
Mal and Lexi talk about peeing with the door open and Mal says that if Lexi is peeing, they might want to come sit in her lap. WHAT? Consider my crush canceled. Even if she does look great in her pajamas.
Mildred and Aussie decide to share the bed so that they can both feel at home. Mildred makes it clear that she’s okay with Aussie sleeping naked, but she’s also aware that sleeping with clothes on might make Aussie more comfortable and that’s totally okay. I start to wonder if maybe Tiff was causing more of the bad communication than Mildred in their original relationship.
Vanessa flirts more with Rae but there’s no time to worry about that because LOOK AT YOLY’S CUTE DOG.
Her name is Margaux and she’s adorable. Apologies in advance, everyone. I didn’t realize there would be dogs in this show and if there’s anything I’m more obsessed with than lesbians, it’s dogs. LOOK AT HER LITTLE FACE!!
Yoly tells Xander that her hamstrings hurt, while indicating her quads. Xander gives her a massage anyway. I feel very seen in my attempts to be flirty with my sports-minded fiancée. And, once again, these two have hella sexual chemistry. Well, I thought it was sexy. My fiancée said it just reminded her of the physical therapy she had to do when she tore her ACL.
Episode 4: Group Nights Out
For our final episode of the initial release, we jump in immediately with Vanessa getting her nipples pierced.
Now, I’ve never pierced my nipples, but the internet tells me that you’re not supposed to involve your nipples in sex for a good 3 – 6 months after you get them pierced. So I can’t imagine this was a terribly well thought-out decision given the timing.
Yoly and Xander are still doing well, and Yoly says she’s enjoying not having to tell Xander to clean up after themselves. Mildred tells us that she’s also feeling a sense of relief and comfort in her new relationship with Aussie. And either Mildred or Aussie has a dog named Zoey who looks like a straight up shag carpet with a pink bow on her head.
Mal explains to Lexi that she’s made her realize that she doesn’t have to be the sole provider, and that they can build what they want together. We cut to Tiff and Sam at home and we get to meet ANOTHER very cute dog – this time it’s Tiff’s dog Shylo.
Tiff is upset about having to sleep on the couch with Shylo even though they aggressively offered to sleep on the couch because sleeping with their dog is a “non-negotiable.” Tiff mentions how Mildred made plenty of effort to accommodate Shylo even though she has a life-long fear of dogs. It comes across like Tiff is assuming that Sam isn’t willing to try when she’s just… not bending over backwards.
It seems like Sam is just not letting herself be a pushover or silence her needs for Tiff’s sake, and Tiff is really worked up about Sam not showing enough affection to Shylo. Listen, I’m a dog lover too, but people come first. With the way Tiff acts about their dog, you’d think it had just been pulled out of a burning building. I promise your dog is going to be fine.
Week two of the trial marriages and we’ve put a tiny bandana on Margaux. I refrain from including a picture only because I’m keenly aware that this episode is veering towards more screenshots of dogs than people. Yoly and Xander look cute in their morning PJ’s and glasses. They still seem to be really happy and communicating well. They decide they should have sex to make sure they’re compatible in that way. I feel like I’m reading a romance novel with how long I’ve been watching these two want to have sex while not having sex.
We cut to Mildred and Aussie at a restaurant, meeting with Aussie’s best friend, Mo. And holy crap is she cute. Move aside, Mal. You may be smart but I can’t do the pee-cuddling thing.
She’s so expressive! And direct! And funny! Show us more of Mo!
Mo questions Aussie on Aussie’s commitment issues being resolved so quickly. Aussie admits that things aren’t certain, which gives Mildred pause.
We see Tiff and Sam on a date. Sam continues to help Tiff grow emotionally. I continue to feel like Sam is getting the short end of the stick. Then we cut to Vanessa and Rae on another date, where Vanessa once again states that she doesn’t want monogamy. Vanessa pushes Rae out of her comfort zone again and I start thinking that, if anything, Vanessa’s role on the show could be to give Rae the confidence to say her relationship with Lexi is over.
We see Aussie and Mildred at home and it seems like Aussie isn’t holding up a fair share of the chores and cooking. I feel for Mildred. It seems like she has to be in Mom Mode all the time and she needs a partner who’s really active in sharing responsibility with her.
Vanessa and Rae have sex, then Yoly and Xander have sex and we get to see the subtitle “furtive moaning.” Rae wakes up in the morning and calls Lexi to tell her what happened, and shit hits the fan. Rae is clearly upset, Vanessa completely fails to read the room, and keeps talking about how having sex felt like being out of jail for the first time in years.
Rae is basically having a breakdown over what happened and Lexi saying she’ll have to tell her family members who know and love Rae about what she did. Vanessa suggests a threesome.
We then see Lexi also crying and Mal comforting her.
I want to take a second and get out some thoughts I have about this interaction. Once again, I know I’m reading too much into this. But the way that Vanessa is excited and flippant about what happened, and the way that she talks about the sex (“I believe I fingered you”) rings an uncomfortable bell for me. It reminds me of women I’ve met who view sex with women as something fun to do but ultimately don’t want relationships with women.
Before you say anything – I don’t know that that’s what’s happening here. But I am saying it makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me of times where it’s felt like a woman sees me as a sex toy instead of a potential partner.
Mildred and Aussie have a small argument where Mildred’s direct style of conflict clashes with Aussie’s more avoidant style. And then we go to the titular Group Night Out. It’s super awkward because a bunch of the contestants have now had sex with each other’s exes. And we learn from Rae that Vanessa POURED RAMEN DOWN THE BATHROOM SINK?? This is the most indecipherable move so far. There’s a kitchen sink for a reason! Why would you put ramen down a tiny little bathroom sink?? WHY???
Mildred and Sam talk about how both Tiff and Aussie are bad at communicating. Sam thinks Tiff is getting better, while Mildred thinks Aussie needs to act like a 42-year-old and communicate clearly.
And then… for maximum drama… the producers have put Vanessa at a table with Yoly and Lexi. And Aussie, who appears to be in a personal hell. I couldn’t look at anything but Aussie during this conflict. Please enjoy a selection below of Aussie’s reactions.
And with that, you’re all caught up!
My predictions are as follows:
- Vanessa will leave single. Duh.
- Yoly and Xander will choose each other at the finale.
- Lexi and Mal will choose each other at the finale.
- Sam and Aussie will not, which will be kind of a shame but they’ll probably just keep dating and hopefully go to couples therapy.
- Rae, Mildred, and Tiff will leave single. Hopefully, Mildred will have hella options of sexy, mature and responsible women in her DM’s after this.