After my last relationship ended in January, I decided to take a break from dating and casual sex. Though the break from dating only lasted four months, that is a long time for me, a serial dater and (previously) self proclaimed ‘slut’. I’m still on hiatus from things like dating apps, orgies, and Lex hookups, and I think the whole experience has been really beneficial overall.
My most recent breakup devastated me, in part because it was the first ‘normal’ relationship I’d ever had. I was holding a lot of myself back because I didn’t think I deserved decent treatment, and that was ironically the main reason the relationship ended. The other reason I was devastated was because I got dumped over voice message. That stung enough to push me to change some things.
For context, I’ve been dating since I was about 17, and near continuously for the past 7 years. I haven’t been single longer than a period of a few months and I have been known to engage in certain acts of promiscuity, including a couple of gay orgies and some very straightforward Lex postings (please don’t look into this any further). When I moved to Portland in 2020, I went on masked-and-6-feet-apart dates just about weekly, and after getting the covid vaccines, I really made my way around.
This all may sound like a drawn out brag, but in reality, my more promiscuous behavior was most likely in reaction to some pretty unfortunate trauma, and my habitual dating was a symptom of low self-worth. Reflecting on some of the things I’ve done, I can’t really say that it was all 100% driven by my own desire. I used to be proud of things like going to sex clubs or losing track of how many sexual partners I’ve had, but now I look back and cringe. Was that really me, or was that the hurt in me seeking easy comfort?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with casual sex or more adventurous sexual activity. It just may not be for me. After a certain point, I felt like I was losing little pieces of myself in beds I’d never see again. Sex had become as common as a handshake to me, and I found myself performing rather than connecting. It felt good to be desired, but empty beyond that. Restricting myself from sex, the only thing I found my self-worth in, has pushed me to find it elsewhere. I find myself thinking ‘I don’t care if I am desirable right now, because I’m not going to be doing anything anyway’ and that has been a positive experience for me.
I think many of us have never actually taken an intentional break from dating. More than a few of us have jumped from one relationship to another without so much as a breath in between. How, then, will you take the time to reflect on the past relationship in only the context of yourself? — What worked for you, what didn’t, what lessons can you take away from that relationship? How much of this relationship seeking is out of true desire for others, and how much is from a desire to not be alone with yourself?
I found myself accepting less in those back-to-back relationships–accepting abuse, even, in an attempt to not be alone with myself. Being alone intentionally has forced me to actually face myself. Having time alone after a pretty rough breakup gave me the space to reflect on what I want out of a relationship, and what aspects of myself I’d like to improve in order to have better relationships. The only dating I’ve been doing has come organically. I’m still not on the apps, and it feels good to not be constantly looking. Whatever will be, will be, and I don’t need Tinder to find it.
If I don’t find it, that’s fine too! I’ve started thinking that I actually do make pretty decent company for myself.
The next time you find yourself single, I encourage you to look at it as less of a purgatory and more like a solo vacation. If you don’t mind your own company, you’re never truly alone. Plus, you’ll be saving a lot of money on dinner dates and Tinder premium. Happy trails, solo travelers!
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