So you’re in a situationship. You started things off saying absolutely no feelings involved, it’s just sex, this is all casual. But now you’re texting every day, sending cute selfies to each other, and there has been talk of a U-Haul. These are signs that it’s time to reel it back in. Here are some simple and easy ideas on how to keep your situationship as casual as god intended: 

  1. Fake your own death. 
    This is easier than you might think. Simply plan a camping trip that you ‘never come back from’ and radically change your appearance instead of going through the trouble of skipping town. She’ll never recognize you with a mullet! When you forget you did this and hit her up months later with a ‘u up?’ text, it’ll carry a spooky undertone that’s sure to turn her on.
  2. Carry around a blender and turn it on when the conversation starts to get too serious.
    Who can be mad with a delicious smoothie in their hands? 
  1. When referencing the future, phrase things as if she died.
    Not ready to fake your own death? When you talk about the future, avoid words like ‘we’ and ‘us’, and use phrases like ‘after you’re gone’ and ‘in your memory’. When she asks you to elaborate, tell her it’s too painful to talk about and change the subject. Still pressing? Start crying.
  2. Converse only via messenger pigeon. 
    Those daily texts from morning ’til night have got to stop. What better way to pump the brakes than to only communicate once every three days via messenger pigeon?
  1. Pretend that ‘what are we’ is your sleeper cell activation phrase and leave her to attempt a political assassination. 
    Sure, this may seem extreme, but you know what else is extreme? Being vulnerable with a person that you have regular sex with. Pick a hated insurance CEO and maybe you’ll get the Luigi Mangione treatment and have as many prison girlfriends as you want!
  1. Marry her mom.
    She wants to make things official with her STEPMOM? That’s sick. Tell her she’s sick.
  2. If all else fails, blame your therapist.
    “Sorry, my therapist said that I can’t be held responsible for anyone’s feelings but mine. My feelings are scary, so I will be running away now. Bye!”


Congratulations! You’ve officially dodged the bullet of emotional vulnerability with someone you’re regularly physically intimate with. Don’t worry about your reputation in the local queer scene and hop right on over to the next one! Who said lesbians can’t do casual? 

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