The Ultimatum: Queer Love – Season 2, Episodes 5 – 7 Recap

We’re back for more emotional damage!

Episode 5: Behind Closed Doors

The editors immediately do Mel and Dayna dirty by playing the sounds of what we assume is them having sex.

A lot of drama is going to hinge on this in the next few episodes, so I’m going to state for the record now: we don’t actually see them having sex. We’re meant to assume from the sounds played and the shots of their apartment that A) this is audio of Mel and Dayna, and B) that audio is them fucking. BUT. We do not see it happen, so I’m not 100% certain that that’s what really happened. You’ll see why soon.

But back to Pilar and Kyle, who were having an argument at the end of the last episode. They actually have a pretty productive and heartfelt conversation and seem to resolve things, and afterward Kyle talks about how safe Pilar made her feel during the conflict.

Haley meets Magan’s friends, one of whom I swear looks like Ellie from The Last Of Us.

I kind of forgot Pilar and Haley have been together 10 years. That’s a LONG time. Magan says this is the first time in her life she doesn’t feel pushed, and she has the room to push herself. Regardless of where the show ends up, Haley says she wants to have Magan in her life.

Over with AJ and Marie, Marie is going through it. Turns out it’s not just about Mel ignoring her – Marie’s mother died a while ago after she and Marie stopped talking, and she never really had time to stop and process it.

Out at the park with Mel and Dayna, Dayna says she thinks Mel wants what Dayna wants (i.e., marriage and kids), but just doesn’t know it yet. I don’t know about that. Mel has literally said the opposite.

In addition to just plain not wanting or being interested in kids, Mel explains that with her medical conditions, she’s not able to carry kids. Dayna asks if Mel’s ex (Marie) knows this… and Mel shakes her head NO??? How have they never talked about this???

Mel also says she thinks Marie wants kids even though she’s “never pressed me” about it. I wonder what Marie would say.

Magan and Haley are finally getting intimate as well. Magan says that she chose herself by choosing Haley.

Mel and Dayna meet with Dayna’s family, who say they love Magan because they think she made Dayna a better (and less aggressive) person. Dayna is besties with her mom, so she takes that to heart and decides to call Magan later. Which kicks off a whole new round of drama.

We can’t hear what Magan is saying, but Dayna is VERY upset. Crying, saying she’s going to go back to Michigan, the whole nine yards.

And then seemingly immediately it’s time for a party with everyone. Jesus Christ.

They split up the parties by ultimatum givers (Marie, Kyle, Ashley, Haley, Dayna, and Britney) and the ultimatum receivers (Mel, Bridget, Marita, Pilar, Magan and AJ). Which works to separate all the current couples and original couples, since all the new ones settled into an issuer-receiver couple anyway.

Mel looks visibly awkward around Magan. Marita self-describes as femme and says she never thought of having a femme partner because “I need to be the femme.”

There’s so much awkwardness in the last 15 minutes of this episode. Britney tells Ashley that she isn’t saying Ashley and Marita shouldn’t be together (but she’s not not saying that either). Dayna accuses AJ of robbing Marie of the experience of showing up 100% and says the word “uncomfy” out loud. Pilar says her biggest fear is that she becomes ready for marriage and Haley realizes she’s not the one, which is awkward for us as the audience who know Haley is getting really into Magan.

Magan talks about feeling hurt by Dayna not acknowledging her at the pool, and Mel pushes back.

Things heat up at the ultimatum givers party, too. Haley says she didn’t hear the phone conversation between Dayna and Magan, and Dayna says she thinks Haley is lying.

Dayna also says she thinks Magan is being fueled by anger, resenting Dayna and hating her, that she doesn’t recognize Magan anymore, and that she’s regressed (well, she said digressed, but I don’t think that’s what she meant.)

At the ultimatum receivers’ party, Mel and Magan have a side conversation. Magan says Dayna called her to break up with her. Mel points out that Magan knows Dayna and knows she doesn’t mean it, and I think Magan makes a very good point – “Just because I know it doesn’t mean I have to enable it.”

Dayna and Marie also have a one-on-one conversation, in which Dayna asks Marie if she’s okay (aww) and also tells Marie that she needs Marie’s ex, Mel, in her life (less aww). I’m still thinking about Mel and Dayna moaning at the beginning of the episode. Marie is being very nice and mature about all this.

And then Haley pulls Marie aside for a one-on-one and informs her that she’s heard Dayna and Mel have been “much more romantically involved than they’re letting on” and that there’s “lots of receipts.” I once again ask myself: did we not establish at the beginning that during these three weeks, you are exes?

After the party, Marie explains to AJ what she heard and AJ is shook.

Marie looks really, really pissed. And she vows not to go to bed tonight without talking to Mel. We’ll see how that goes…

Episode 6: The Changeover

Marie pulls up in a red Hyundai and Mel gets in. Holy shit, Marie looks scary.

Marie tells Mel how Dayna said all she and Mel do is think about their exes and how much they miss them… and that Haley told her that there’s proof they’re fucking.

Marie asks, point-blank – did you guys fuck?

Mel shakes her head no.

Marie asks if she’s lying.

Mel says no. She says they have a connection but they’ve only kissed, that’s all.

But she is lying… unless Netflix is the one bamboozling us. We only ever saw the implication that they had sex. I’m so confused.

There’s actually a lot of that happening. For a situation with cameras trained on these people at all times, there’s a lot of she-said, she-said…

Back at the apartment, Mel tells Dayna what Haley said about there being proof of them getting nasty. Dayna is pissed about this, but doesn’t exactly deny it either…

Pilar meets Kyle’s parents, who are supportive, and it gets a little emotional as they go over the difficulty of Pilar’s relationship with her family. I really hope there’s a happy ending for Pilar in all of this, regardless of who she is or isn’t with.

I feel like I need another chart to keep track of which trial couples have been physically intimate.

AJ & Marie	Nothing we’re aware of
Kyle & Pilar	Kissed once and felt weird about it
Bridget & Ashley	Getting a little flirty
Haley & Magan	“Hooked up all the way”
Mel & Dayna	Definitely kissed, say they haven’t had sex but maybe they have?
Marita & Britney	Doing each other’s makeup

Also, apparently Mel’s name is “Melissa Marie.” This should be no surprise as the rule of butches is that they are saddled with the girliest names of all lesbians.

Marie says in a side interview that she genuinely believes Mel and Dayna did not have sex. Maybe they didn’t, but right after that we see Mel telling Dayna that she has “more than friend feelings” for her and wants Dayna to admit she could see a future together. What’s with Mel and Dayna thinking they know what each other actually think?

Dayna says she can’t give solid answers about their future until she talks to Magan. Who is currently going to meet Haley’s family. They talk about kids again – Magan wants them, Haley doesn’t but mostly because she doesn’t want to carry. But Pilar doesn’t want them either, so it didn’t matter that much before.

We see Britney and Marita for a half second as well. There’s still zero chemistry.

Dayna and Mel, on the other hand, are getting matching tattoos. Magan and Haley are cuddling. And AJ is continuing to be the funniest person on this show.

Britney is making oxtail for Marita. I’m not sure what, if anything, Marita has done for Britney this whole time. Emotional support, maybe?

On the final night of the trial marriages, Dayna and Mel read each other letters. They’re definitely going to miss each other.

Haley and Magan are getting emotional as well – Haley says “I love you,” Magan says it back, and the music reminds us this hasn’t happened already.

And just like that, we’re back at the long table.

Britney confirms my suspicions that Marita has provided her emotional support. And Britney’s given Marita the romantic gestures she craves so much. AJ teases Britney by saying she crossed a line by making oxtail for Marita.

Ashley does not feel so lighthearted about this and says if it’s so easy for Britney to do the romantic stuff that Ashley finds so difficult, maybe Marita should stick with Britney. Ouch.

The conversation continues with Kyle and Pilar. Listening to all these women talking about supporting each other and their feelings, I have to wonder what the straight version of The Ultimatum is like. I’m having trouble imagining straight guys with even half this level of emotional intelligence.

I can’t be too impressed for long, though, because then we’re suddenly talking about Haley vague-posting, and Pilar posting a heart-eyes emoji on a picture of Kyle via Instagram and then blocking Haley. We lesbians may not be such an advanced species after all.

Episode 7: My Heart Is Shattered

The host, JoAnna, moves us along from the Instagram drama and Marie makes a very pointed comment about how she and AJ formed a friendship without intimacy.

Magan and Haley definitely seem the most in love of all these trial couples so far. Magan says she’s going to prioritize getting her family on board with her being gay. JoAnna asks Dayna to speak on her experience, but Dayna passes it to Mel instead.

Magan brings up the time that Dayna didn’t acknowledge her when they ran into each other. To be honest, I get why Dayna didn’t, if she was trying to live as if they were exes. Magan says that’s when she decided to “create space,” which then caused Dayna to say she was going to break up with Magan and leave. And that caused Magan to say, “okay, have a safe flight.” And that’s what you missed on Glee!

We are getting real, peak dyke drama television. Dayna is getting very defensive, which AJ points out seems unnecessary if it’s not true. My wife chimes in that Dayna is probably feeling the same panic Pilar felt when Kyle said Pilar was “playing the game” – not wanting to be painted as a villain on TV.

I have to ask myself again – is the editing lying to us in making us think Dayna and Mel fucked? Or maybe their definition of sex is such that they feel as if they didn’t actually have sex, they only [co-masturbated / made out while masturbating / whatever]?

But then it gets crazier.

What?

What?????

Oh. My God.

Where do I start? First of all, the story is so insane that even if that did happen, if I were Magan, I would have just said that I checked Dayna’s Spotify account, because that would be more believable. Second of all, Dayna’s response is basically, “Well, you got me there. My bad.” And thirdly, because of that, I don’t even care how Magan found out because this is so insane and damning.

And with that, the original couples get back together. Yikes.

As you can imagine, it does not go well.

Pilar, once again the voice of reason, points out that it’s a little odd for Magan to be pointing fingers at Dayna, when… well, we know what Magan and Haley were up to. Bridget and Kyle are also a little tense due to Kyle and Pilar’s kiss, which seems so small compared to the Magan-Dayna-Mel-Marie drama.

At this point, Magan says she doesn’t see a future for her and Dayna. Mel, on the other hand, says although she has strong feelings for Dayna, she’s going to put her all into Marie. And after all of this, I had forgotten about Dayna and Mel’s matching tattoos.

Pilar says that Kyle was like a watered down version of Haley. Then Haley tells Pilar that she and Magan had sex, multiple times. Pilar asks if they have an emotional connection and Haley says yes. Pilar asks if Haley loves Magan. Haley doesn’t answer.

Pretty much everyone is angry, crying, or both. Except AJ and Britney, who are fine. And they have a rabbit!

Marita and Ashley are still dragging out their inevitable breakup. Magan and Dayna are still in the same room, shockingly.

Magan flat-out tells Dayna that she hooked up with Haley and that she’s in love with her. Dayna accuses Magan of hating her so that she feels better about what she’s done. Seems like a fair point. Magan is so mad at Dayna for doing essentially the same thing Magan herself did.

Will Dayna actually leave and go home? Probably not.

We only have one recap left, so I’m going to make my predictions now:

• Bridget and Kyle break up but are amicable at the reunion.
• Marita and Ashley stay together, somehow. It continues to be unpleasant.
• Pilar and Haley can’t get over what happened with Magan, and they break up.
• Mel and Marie break up probably hate each other forever after.
• Dayna and Magan break up and hate each other even more.
• AJ and Britney stay together and wait a reasonable amount of time to get engaged and married.