In my mind, being a lesbian in 2018 is similar to what I imagine being a mountain dwelling hermit in the 1800s was like. You just want to be left alone, you have a herbal remedy for everything , and everyone thinks you’re a witch. That being said, I would love to be a mountain dwelling hermit with a herbal remedy for everything. For now, I’m stuck with weed and a pirated copy of The Sims 3 that I can’t update. Someday…
Being a modern lesbian is exhausting. You’re stuck toeing the line between being the cool, smart, feminist-y girl who just happens to like girls and the mean, fed up lesbian who threatened to shit on someone’s boyfriend’s porch because he e-vited you to Slutwalk and wears a shirt that says “The Future is Femme” on campus. You keep matching with poly couples on Tinder. Your ex wrote a callout post about you that’s been gaining traction on Tumblr. You keep taking Gender Studies even though the only person you’re hurting is yourself.
I long for a simpler time.
A time when it was cool to be a lesbian but not so cool that EVERYBODY was a lesbian.
A time when Tegan and Sara tickets were plentiful and cheap.
A time when the misguided bisexuals who would someday author those I’m a Lesbian Married to a Man! articles were still in college, dating girls.
A time when you could ask for a mullet and get a mullet, on demand, without apology.
That’s right…I’m talking about the early 2000s, ladies!
Disclaimer: I’m too young to really reminisce about the early 2000s. I was but a young, pudgy, fledgling lesbian who would watch The Real L Word at the lowest volume setting in the late hours of the night.
But I remember wanting to be a part of it all, even without knowing, even as a kid. I remember swallowing my heart at seeing my first real-life lesbian at a Target, short hair dyed red and jeans flared. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew. And it is in that same sense that I know that those were simpler, better times!
My theory is simple: things were better for lesbians because the internet was slower back then. Now, I’m not blaming modern homophobia on the internet. Homophobia simply evolved with a faster, freer flow of information, as did a lot of abstract concepts, both good and bad.
What I think is that people are thinking too much, too fast. We’re theorizing, postulating, and posturing ourselves into corners. We are desperate to stand out not only within our local communities but to the entire online world. Our ever shortening attention spans are becoming a form of online currency and EVERYBODY wants a taste…and it is becoming harder and harder to keep up with the flavor of the week. Less than six years ago it was cool to be an ally, Gay Was Okay and Dan Savage was tolerable! Now everything is a theory and every theory is queer theory and queer theory is everything! Why be a boring, exclusionary, monosexual cisgay when you could be cool and queer and the most individual individual?
I’m gay, actually gay, so I can’t be 2018 cool, but I’m pretty sure I could pull off early 2000s cool.
I’ll ice my tips, drown my computer in the bathtub, grind my phone into dust and throw it to the wind! Wait, better yet…I’ll recycle them! I’ll be a granola lesbian! A crunchy, crusty dyke who dances naked in the woods where nobody can ask me to unpack why I’m not down with dick.
I could go to brunches. Talk on a flip phone. Wear pinky rings. Get into dyke drama that doesn’t involve reblog chains because blogging isn’t cool!
My life could a less fabulous, lower budget L Word. I could drive a Subaru. I could finally, finally delete my tumblr account. Things could be simple again!
I can’t take another Top 10 Feminist Blowjob Tips clickbait article. I don’t want to see Riley J. Dennis on my timeline anymore. I can’t talk in one more circle about the difference between bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, quasisexual, multisexual multiclass multitudes! I’m sick of theory!
But most of all, I’m sick of being theorized upon!
Being a lesbian isn’t radical. It isn’t a political statement. It isn’t a choice. It just is! Before you go on an hour long, 30 part twitter rant about how monogamy is anti-queer and homosexuality killed your dog, ask yourself…does this shit matter? Is it possible to be truly special on a planet with 7.53 billion other people? Is this really worth your terrifyingly finite energy?
I think you’ll find your answer dancing naked in the woods.
December 9, 2018 at 1:14 pm
You’re absolutely correct. Being a lesbian in her prime in 2000 was pretty awesome.
I don’t know how you do it, today.
December 9, 2018 at 2:48 pm
I adore the writing style of this article. Just wanted to pop in and give props 🙂
December 10, 2018 at 2:27 pm
Love this.
January 7, 2019 at 2:49 am
So refreshing to read – THANK you!
January 16, 2019 at 6:27 pm
Love this!
January 25, 2019 at 7:47 am
Love this article. Yes, I came out in the early 90s and it was both a great time and a very challenging time. But right now, I see mostly challenges from within and without.
May 6, 2020 at 2:39 pm
Greetings to the younger generation… and allow me to add that it’s even harder to be a “modern lesbian” these days, as a much older Dyke. For a lot of us, being “cool” takes on a slightly different slant from being cool in the early 2000’s.
To start with, the words “lesbian” and “dyke” were used proudly and not frowned upon as politically incorrect, the butch/femme relationship was common, and the majority of us considered the word “queer” totally unacceptable.
Minus the internet, social media sites, and even the computer at one point, softball games, bar-b-que parties, and the lesbian bars were our only social outlets. This was much simpler- except for the times when the bars were raided by the cops trying to bust butches for dancing with our femmes.
Flip phones weren’t even an option back in the day – the adventure was in trying to find a telephone booth on the nearest street corner- I found this much simpler.
Subarus look nothing like they used to, and “real lesbians” drove trucks.
Being a member of the “Alphabet People” is not simple, and the acronym has been bastardized so much since I was a baby dyke, it’s crazy-making and wears me out.
The insistence by the masses to avoid labels, while using all kinds of labels to self-identify, is not simple. Before any of the labels, we were just… gay.
I’m one of the “crunchy, crusty dykes who dances naked in the words” on my piece of lesbian land, where only lesbians/womyn/girls have resided since 1973, and the coolest things around are the breezes that come floating through the trees on a hot summer day. It is the place where I am gender-less and no one questions my abhorrence at being asked about my pronoun usage- a much simpler way to be in the world.
If there are any womyn out there who want to “find their answer dancing naked in the woods”, and actually spend some time on lesbian land, we are offering a place to visit, where life is much simpler in many ways. You are welcome to join us, camp with us, and find some peace.
Email me- [email protected]
July 20, 2020 at 9:06 pm
“You keep taking Gender Studies even though the only person you’re hurting is yourself.” It’s like you called me out my name! Honestly, sites like this are the only haven for lesbians like me.
I’m in my mid-20s and all I want in life is to enjoy a community of women who ONLY love women. Unfortunately, that desire is now considered a sin in the acronym community.
At least I found this website, please never stop posting. <3
August 14, 2020 at 7:17 pm
Oh my god, you don’t even know the relief I’m experiencing right now!! It looks like I’m 2 years late to this article, but still! I get so depressed sometimes just thinking about how alone I am as a lesbian in today’s world of hyper inclusivity and all these bullshit identities. We’ve been blessed to be alive in the time of the internet, but somehow I feel so disconnected from the lesbian community. And it’s really painful sometimes, because I do often find myself wishing that I could’ve just been born maybe 10 years sooner and my whole life and experiences as a lesbian would be so different. I’m so glad I stumbled upon this website. It’s giving me hope, and I really needed that.
August 19, 2020 at 4:41 pm
Come visit the “crunchy, crusty lesbians” in the woods. Contact me-
[email protected]