Local heterosexuals Caitlynn and Bradley are excited to announce that they are trying for a baby!

Sources report that the happy couple have been seen galavanting around town and going on about their newfound sense of sexual freedom and evolutionary duty.

“Yeah, I’m excited to be a dad, but I’m more excited about the path to get there, amiright?” Brad volunteers, raising his hand for a high-five.

While Brad has been avoiding microwaves and tight pants, Caitlynn has been busy preparing her body for a 9 month incubation period.

We spoke to Caitlynn’s neighbor, Andrea who recalls Caitlynn talking about her cervical mucus when she ran into the couple at the store. Caitlynn’s exact words were: “My cervical mucus has been really tight this month. I think that means it’s time. We’ve been trying it with a pillow under my butt but I don’t think the angle is right. Brad doesn’t really have the arm strength or stamina to keep my legs at a perfect 90 degrees while also achieving ejaculation, you know?”

Two weeks later, at a mutual friend’s get-together, the couple found Andrea again, and Brad–seeming to have recovered from his previous sexual mishap–resumed the baby-making conversation, and added “Yee-haw, the gloves have come OFF!” He then flexed for two minutes.

“Anyway,” Caitlynn continued as Andrea searched for an exit, “I’m just really excited. We’re on the waitlist for a gender reveal party at that cute little place downtown, you know, with the pink and blue pyrotechnics? I even have a baby Instagram already set up! Of course, it’s just pictures of me and Brad right now, but…you need batter to bake a cake!” She grinned “That’s from my baking instagram.”

Raw batter, baby! Whoo!” Exclaimed Brad, groping the belly of a giggling Caitlynn.

These two lovebirds have made their enthusiasm for the propagation of the human race and ‘raw dogging it’ very clear, and neighbors and coworkers alike just can’t take it anymore.

Caitlynn and Brad’s desire to work the graphic details of their sex life into every single conversation is too strong to be stopped. Andrea and her partner, Nicole have given up trying and are seriously considering moving to a new neighborhood.


This has been a fake news article.

Facebooktwittertumblr